Maryland: the "Put-Off" State

“Free state” is a misnomer. In Maryland, you’re lucky to get something that you’ve already paid for.

Just to name a few of the things that I waited months for and gave up on: chaise from Ethan Allen (ordered 2/26), washer/dryer from Sears (due 3/11), sideboard from La-Z-Boy that came in missing a shelf and brackets, entertainment center from Whats In Store (ordered 2/25), deck, patio, and fence (ordered 4/6), sofa from Jennifer's Convertibles,… and the list goes on. The worst part is the exhausting, repetitive efforts I've had to put into getting my money back after finally giving up on some of these merchants. I've sent four certified letters this past week alone.

The only place I’ve ever lived that I disliked strongly was eastern Tennessee. (Near where my sister lives – but I can get away with that statement because she doesn’t have time to read my blog, what with jetting off to Paris and Italy....) New Orleans ran a close second to Tennessee. But Maryland takes the cake. It’s not the state, either – it’s the people. It’s as if everyone here skipped the day in kindergarten when you learn the Golden Rule.

National Deck and Patio (NDP) finally started work on the deck, patio, and fence that I gave them a hefty deposit for nine weeks ago, with a promise of a “four-and-a-half week turnaround” from the sales guy. Sales Guy still hasn’t been able to offer me a valid excuse for the repeated delays, and neither did my Homeowners Association. It took the HOA six weeks (with me begging and kicking) to finally approve my “architectural change” request.

[Note to self:
Do not buy another home that is involved with an HOA. You've broken that promise twice already and look where it got you: stuck in the Put-Off state.]

Our HOA is temporarily being run by a management company called Riden-Bringhurst Associates (RBA), headed up by a woman named Judy whom I'd met at our first HOA meeting, that glorious day in May when I was elected to the board by the "cool" people in Montjoy.

Judy told me the architectural change approval would take 2-3 weeks. First, they sat on my application for three weeks. That's when I started calling them about it. Much later, they finally came back and told me that I owed them a plat drawing. But the plat is so tiny that drawing the deck on it would only take up a quarter inch. They instructed me to blow up the plat and resubmit my drawings—via email. Faxes would not be accepted. As Judy said, “We can’t sit here and take faxes from homeowners all day.” I'm thinking, "...and we're paying your salary for....what?"

They also would not approve the fence, even though my paperwork stated that the fence would be “the exact same fence” that the builder had already installed on several properties. My contractor (NDP) had referred to this fence as “shadowbox” in my HOA paperwork. Because the HOA calls this same fence "board-on-board," they denied my application. Worse, they argued with me over the name of the fence, despite the fact that I had expressed in writing, in a drawing and with a photograph exactly which fence would be installed. They kept saying, “It’s called board-on-board, not shadowbox.” It was like a broken record that I couldn't stop. I really didn't care what it's called.

So Sales Guy wrote up an addendum for my HOA, expressing that NDP was putting up the "exact same fence" and that “this fence is sometimes called shadowbox, or board-on-board.” Meanwhile, I spent half a Saturday enlarging the notarized plat given to me by the builder (which took several iterations using the copier at Staples), and then doing the drawings myself. To scale. I scanned in every single document, saved each as a file, zipped them up, and emailed them to the HOA. I also put them all in an envelope and drove to the post office to mail them that Saturday so that they'd have them Monday. I'd already waited five long weeks.

On Monday I contacted the HOA late morning. First the woman (Maryann) denied receiving my mail, and said that all my emails came with corrupt files. (I’d cc’d myself on every email, and the files opened up fine for me.) Later she changed her story and admitted to receiving my U.S. mail that morning, but said she didn’t receive the plat. I told her that the drawings I mailed to her were done on the plat. She said, “That’s not a plat.” (I'm thinking, and maybe the Wizard can get you a brain, Maryann.)

I'd followed their special instructions exactly: The plat I used was a photocopy of the notarized plat that the builder gave me at settlement – the exact document they told me to use that I spent an hour photocopying and enlarging.

Beyond that, she had the gall to once again deny my application because “shadowbox fencing isn’t the same as board-on-board." Oh my god. All my paperwork clearly stated that I was putting up a board-on-board fence "identical to the panels already up" on each lot. I even included a photo of the fence, but because NDP wrote that this fence is "sometimes called shadowbox" they wouldn’t accept my application.

“We can’t even consider shadow-box fencing” Maryann (who doesn't know a fence from a curb) insisted. I said I didn’t want them to consider it, that I fully intended (as indicated in writing) to put up the exact same fence that is already up in the community. Which part of that didn't she get? It was clear that she wanted to argue semantics with me, further delaying my application. This was all happening over email, and it didn't seem like Maryann had a grasp of the issue, so I asked her to please call me instead. But she responded in email. Aaaaaaaagh!

So I called RBA and got Debbie, whom I asked if I could please speak to Judy. She said Judy was out. I said, then I need to speak to someone else who can approve this application. But there was no one backing up Judy who, it turns out, was home sick. I said I don’t want someone who is out sick to call me. But they had her call me anyway.

I told Judy that the continued denial of my application based on semantics was unacceptable. I had already waited patiently for weeks. My neighbors sided with me 100%. I suggested to Judy (as a board member myself—and the only elected member, at that), that we get this thing straightened out and avoid treating the rest of the homeowners this way because it will only make the homeowners unhappy. She responded snidely, “Well if you’d turned in the right paperwork to begin with…” I said, “Whoa!” She was like, "Whoa nothing [young lady implied]... blah, blah, blah...."

She jumped down my throat big time. (They do that a lot here in Maryland.) That’s when she started calling me names and insulting me (not unlike Saab bitch who can park anywhere she wants "because it's a public street," despite HOA rules to the contrary that she signed off on at closing).

Seriously, RBA was being absurd about the whole thing – for no apparent reason other than the fact that they didn’t have a clue what they were doing. I was rightfully protesting their illegal relentless denial of my application. So Judy told me in her motherly tone, "You're being belligerent.” Belligerent?! OH. MY. GOD. Then she went on to accuse me of “bullying” her staff. I was stunned.

I didn’t know what to say for several moments. I would’ve defended myself, but she suddenly had to go - because she was home sick she "shouldn't have to deal with this." She obviously resented me because she chose to call me on her sick day.

My god these people are from another planet. I’m telling you, passive-aggressive behavior is the norm here.

Rule #2 for surviving life in Maryland: When faced with a conflict, use name-calling as an attempt to gain resolution. And then run away before the other party can respond.

The next day I researched fencing on the Internet and sent Judy and Maryann a matter-of-fact email containing links and photos showing that shadowbox and board-on-board are in fact the same fence. In the email I also mentioned that I’d spoken with “my attorney” about this ridiculous fiasco (when really I’d only spoken with my attorney’s paralegal, who's just as smart).

And that’s all it took. Three hours later the HOA emailed me my architectural change approval.

Rule #3: Remember that two most effective words in the human language are “my attorney.” You will need them here.

My next-door neighbor Dan didn’t submit his contract and application until five weeks after I submitted mine. Dan's deck was started yesterday morning and finished today, before mine, which had been started over a week ago. Funny, Dan's fence guy had also used the word "shadowbox" to describe the fence on his proposal - but I guess by then Maryann knew better than to argue with another homeowner over something she was clueless about.

To make matters worse, yesterday when I tried to leave for work, I discovered that some elves had mysteriously dumped a load of decking materials on my 7’-wide driveway in the middle of the night. My driveway was blocked. Jesus, what next? And, of course, no one is available at NDP at 7:45AM. I was dumbfounded that anyone could do something that stupid. And I was certain to make mention of that on the voicemail I left them.

I need to go back up north where the intelligent people live and work.

When the deck workers showed up at 8:20 (twenty minutes late), I went out and asked, “Who’s idea was this?” I got a blank stare. “Why would they leave these materials in front of my garage?" Nothing. My voice was rising, "When were these left here?” No response. “Do you speak English???”

“Non. No Englais.”
Great. I have no idea how to yell in Spanish.

To make matters worse, today I noticed something weird. The fence boards didn’t look as wide as the HOA-approved fence boards. So I went outside with a tape measure. Sure enough, NDP is installing the wrong fence. They are using one-by-fours instead of one-by-sixes, even after all of Sales Guy's blatant promises that he would put up “the exact same fence.” At this point, I had no reaction. I am numb to the whole concept of "exact same fence." It surely does not exist in the universe I inhabit.

I called NDP and told a woman in the office that they were installing the wrong fence and needed to come out, tear it down, and put up the right fence. (Sales Guy had the sense not to call me back at that point, I grant him that much.) They need to remove each and every slat (over 200 of them) and replace them. The loss to the company is $2 a board, according to Rudy, one of the workmen.

Maybe one day something in my life will go right. It hasn’t happened in recent memory. For ten straight months I've suffered serial bad luck. We're talking non-stop Murphy's Law speeding downhill with no brakes.

At least Martin finally has his deck and can go outside for the first time since we left Seattle in October 2004. (My nine-thousand-dollar present to my sixty-thousand-dollar cat.)

He's a happy camper again. No more Madison and now a new deck to replace her!! "Yay. Thanks, Mom! Meow."